Fri 23 July 10

Still waiting to hear if Financial Aid has been processed, by the school, not by FASFA. I called the school and they said they got my paperwork on June 18th. I'm hoping it happens soon because final date for payment is Aug 6. I'm holding out for hope! We'll see. Worst case is I have to pay something but will be refunded by FA.

I'm working this weekend again. I hate to work every single day but I do need the money. I got me a new travel dvd player. I think it's pretty nice. Hopefully it will make some time pass, like the 12 hours I'll be spending tomorrow and on Sunday. lol

Princess is loving her job, and I'm loving that for her! I love it when she is so happy. I'm really praying that this becomes permanent for her. We won't know for weeks though. So we have lots of time to pray. lol

So that's about it. I wanna go out and buy all new school stuff; notebooks, pens, pencils, bookbag, whatever. Just new school stuff. I love it. Weird I'm sure, but hey.

Wed 21 July 10

Well, I'm all registered for Fall. One leg of my journey is going to be starting in less than a month. Princess started a temp job that might turn into permanent. And really that would be a great thing because where she's temping is a Hospital that has really good benefits and the hours are perfect for her and her temperament. We are on a roll right now. Things are going really good for us. The one bad thing is I am working 7 days a week right now and because of our schedules we don't see each other during the week. But it will all pay off in the end!

Still having crazy freaking dreams. Maybe I'll post one of them here. Just don't really know how to describe them...and god knows what they will revel. Some I would have a hard time saying out loud. I still wonder, all the time really, why I dream so vividly. I believe it must be for a reason, it must have some meaning. I've done it all my life. Where are the answers to these dreams? Why do I have to dream them? What meaning do they hold, for me or others?

Sun 18 July 10

I’m at work again. I hate this post. It’s so very boring. Cleaning guys are here but they don’t offer any entertainment. However they are working on the floors so I can’t make rounds because I have to stay off the floors. Fine by me!

I was having another crazy dream but Princess came in to make sure I was awake for work and it all flew out of my head before I could fully remember it. Oh well. Maybe it will come back as the day goes on, since I really have nothing else to do. I can’t get internet here so I can’t even use this time on that.

Rambling, sorry, I just really don’t want to be here today. And I think I will have to do this post next weekend also. UGH! Although Princess reminded me it is Bele Chere here in fair Asheville. So do I say I’m busy I can’t work or do I get the money??? Hmmmmm Let’s see, need the money but its Bele Chere. I’m gonna have to think on this one. Or maybe the guy who is supposed to be here will stop calling out and he can work his own post and then my decision is made.

I thought of something else about our cruise. Like I said at some point I hurt my leg, pulled a muscle or something I don’t know, but it was hurting really badly so I went to the infirmary so they could wrap it. After doing so the nurse (who kinda scared me a little) said I should not leave the cabin. I should fully rest the leg and only hobble to the bathroom. Um, I am on a cruise, this is the last day, I’m not fixing to spend it in my room. The only way she would give me a pass is if I stayed in a wheelchair and didn’t walk. UGH!

I can only say now I know for a fact that I have to stay fit and healthy. Princess about killed half the people on the ship by her lack of driving a wheelchair skills. Might I say she even ran over a poor little girl’s foot and then, in front of her dad, said, “If it makes you feel any better I ran over my own foot earlier”. Which she did but I highly doubt it made the little girl, or the dad for that matter, feel any better at all. LOL She ran me into walls, door jams, and like I said people. She would also pull up somewhere and just let me roll to a stop so I got rammed into tables or whatnot. She almost dumped me out one time. It was like anytime she started to push me she was all of a sudden in some kind of race that nobody else knew about. She had to go as fast as possible and plow down whoever got in the way. Old ladies and small children were at peril! LOL So as embarrassing as it was to be in the damned chair it was made even worse with Princess at the helm. God, I love her!

Funny but very true story. I could not make this up.

Sat 17 July 10

I realized the other day that I haven’t written anything in forever, so here I am. A lot has happened and I’m not sure where to begin. I had a birthday. Our youngest son had a birthday. Princess lost her job the first of June and still doesn’t have another one, which is kinda okay with me. I like her at home. But, we need money, so until I can make enough where she doesn’t have to work then, eh, ya know, work it is.

I’ll be starting school in a few weeks. Yay! Glad to finally be getting underway with that. But it also means I’ll have the equivalent of two full time jobs. Just one of them I won’t be getting paid for…yet! Lol And we just got back from a cruise! It wasn’t long enough but we had a blast all the same. It was a family cruise on Princess’ side. I got to spend some time with some of her cousins we don’t normally see and they are something else! I loved getting to know them. Lots and lots of fun!

We spent one day in Cozumel. Love that place. Of course we had to spend the morning shopping. I thought Princess was going to have a nervous breakdown trying to keep everybody together. But it all worked out. I passed the shopping hours with free Tequila shots. No really, it does help. Especially when you’d rather be at the beach already! Later we went to Playa Uvas. It is a great way to spend the day in Cozumel. For a price you get all you can drink, snorkeling, some food, messages, pool and ocean, and all you can drink. Did I say that already? And when I say all you can drink I mean I don’t think I had an empty glass. At some point I pulled a muscle in my leg and it was killing me by the time we got to Playa Uvas so I did not snorkel this time. Very disappointing! But Princess got some good pictures. If I learn how to put pictures up on here I might even post some.

So, it’s Saturday and I’m at work. Sigh. I am thankful for the extra money. I am thankful for the extra money. I am thankful…well, you get the idea. I will be thankful when I can make good money without all the extra work! Hence school. I am just going to look at it as every extra hour I work is an extra dollar for another cruise. I’d rather do that than think about what bills need to be paid. Lol Thankfully my job is not hard, but I do have to work at not being bored. I hate to be bored, it just seems to make the hours longer. Oh well, I’m not complaining. It’s easy money. And everything is overtime. But as I sit here I think of everything that needs to be done at the house. LOL

Speaking of house, it’s coming along. We got my office cleaned out and Princess’ office set up to her liking. There is still so much to do but we’re getting there. Maybe I should use the extra money for house repairs, but it always never seems to be enough. Why are house repairs so danged expensive?

I guess I’ve rambled enough. I’ll try to do much better about writing. It seems I have so much to say when it’s in my head. It’s the getting it to paper part that’s the problem. Lol I could write more on my dreams. God knows I’ve had some doozys lately. OH! And one more thing, I had to have my suit pants taken in at the waist…7 inches! Yay! And I can wear 2x shirts now instead of 3x. I would like to do more between now and Dec than I did from Jan to July. So, raise ‘em up. Here’s to the 2^nd half of the year and losing it!

Tue 13 Apr 10 Home Repairs

I've been crazy hard on myself today. At least that's what princess said. I tried to do laundry today and when I went down to put them in the dryer, I found my basement had flooded...again. It didn't look like it wanted to drain either. Now I know there is a problem with the pipe that goes out of my house and runs along beside the house to the front of the yard. But I just haven't had the money to get it fixed. I mean it's not like I was procrastinating on it, I just didn't have it.

So as I'm standing there staring at this water in my basement, wishing it away; I kept thinking if I close my eyes and then open them again, it will all be gone! But no, it didn't work that way. Again, as I'm standing there staring at this water in my basement I realize the time has come whether I have the money or not. I told princess the situation all the while choking back tears, mustering up the courage to call Roto Rooter, and swallowing hard quite a few times so that I could talk to them without having a meltdown.

The call didn't go as badly as what I had thought it was going to go. It seems the first step in this process is to have them come out and run a camera through my pipe. Get your heads out of the gutter, it's not near as dirty as it sounds, or is it? LOL Get it, dirt, pipe, yard. Anyway, get back on track here. To run the camera through the pipe costs 250.00 dollars. Yes, you heard right. I mean, immediately I offered that, Hey! I have a camera and would be more than willing to send him the pictures that I took myself, knowing I would only have to pay the postage price of the cd with the downloaded pictures. But guess what, it just doesn't work that way. lol They insisted they must do it themselves. FINE! If you must!

If only it ended there. But then we have to find out if it's just a repair that's needed or, dun dun duuuuunnnnnnnnt! If the whole 95 foot pipe needs to be replaced. YIKES! That sounds like money! I won't know what needs to be done or how much it's going to cost me until they run the camera. So now I have to pick a date for them to do just that. But I want it to be a good date, something important, because depending on the answer it could very well be the last day of my life! So dear gentle readers, if you don't hear from me again then you will know that upon hearing the news I fell out right in the middle of my own yard.

Ahhhhhh, poor princess! Just know I loved ya hunny!

So back to the first sentence. For the rest of the afternoon I spent it belittling myself for not being in a better place financially. For not being able to just pick up the phone and have them rush right out. For having to figure out how to come up with this money. For not being able to take care of my family. For the weather. For the dust that has gathered in the corners of the room. For one of my cats being silver instead of the black, and black and white theme we have going with the other two. For the grass being green. Whatever! Whatever I could possibly think of, it was totally my fault and I blamed myself for it not being better.

But then right before I had to be all grown up again and go to work, I got my head on right and put everything back in perspective, and realized that in fact it is NOT my fault that the grass is green. :-) And I got a hug from princess, which always makes everything in life better!

Sat 3 Apr 10 A Glimpse of Life with Princess

Okay, so I can't believe how time gets away from me. Then it's like 2 weeks since the last time I said anything. First off it's Easter weekend, or Ostara weekend. And what a beautiful weekend it is! But it turned out I had to work. I've been taking little walks outside while I'm working to try and soak up some of the sun. These are the times I ask myself, why don't I live in the Caribbean somewhere? Then I would have sun most of the time. Anyway the extra money will be very good! So I'm grateful for the work.

My workouts are getting really good and the food is getting better. We're buying more food and princess is cooking more. My trainer just said they want to step up the program. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm in. I bought a bike. This should be an interesting experience. I don't think I've been on a bike since I was a kid, late teens at the latest. So I guess the first thing I will do is go to the flattest area possible and see if there is any balance left in me. Hopefully princess won't sneak out there with video camera and get it all on film. Although something that tragic might just go viral. Maybe I should re-think the video. LOL

I have been feeling really great lately. More energy, more...something. I really don't know how to name it right now. But damn I feel good! I don't know if it's because Winter is over and Spring is here. I don't know exactly what it is but I like it. Maybe it's because the last kid moved out a few months ago and now we have the house all to ourselves. lol Who knows? What I do know is I'm gonna keep riding the wave until it spills me.

While I sit here at work and write about my boring life, princess is out yard-sailing. Something you may not know about princess is she has a problem with empty spaces. lol It's not really a conscious thing for her. It just is. I clean the table off, come back later to find a purse, keys, and old mail or something. I clean off the stand beside her side of the couch, come back to find it filled with magazines or books. I guess seeing a nice, shiny, clean area exposed for too long is just way too much for her to handle, and I imagine it must scream at her until she can no longer hold back, and so she promptly fills the space to ease the maniacal voices in her head. Because I am thinking, ah, the place is looking fresh and clean, no clutter, ah it looks great. And then as I'm looking over my hard work it becomes, WHAT THE HELL!

Well the other day I got an old freezer out of the house that's been needing to go for a while, and she had cleaned in child 3's room to get some of his stuff out of there, and I have gotten some old junk out of my office. So, voila! the voices are screaming again and she's off! Right now she is out at other peoples house's going through the crap they are trying to get rid of, so she can bring their crap to fill/clutter our house. Mind you, I've been talking about "cleaning out" the house, and every time I do...you get the picture. :-D

Understand princess and I have been together for a long time so while I'm writing this I am grinning and laughing to myself. But I think I have come to understand, even though it is so not what I want, that my house will never be cleaned out. It will be merely a place where clutter moves through, morphs, and gets replaced. When she gets tired of this clutter then we'll get rid of it and bring in new clutter.

I guess this means to live with her means to live without any available counter or table or whatever space. I need two houses. HA!

I love you so much baby!

Fri 19 Mar 10

Warning: This kinda turned political at the end. Didn't expect it. It's just what came out.

Wow! What a beautiful day! Finally! It was getting to the point where I was beginning to think Winter would never end. HA! We've got you in our grips now 'Ol Man Winter! Your time is ending, and I say thank God! So, to cover my week...

Last weekend, princess and I went to a benefit for local arts. We had a great time! We drank some really good Scottish beer. There was a silent auction and we got some great art for our home. Very exciting. If I figure out how to do pictures here I will show you. lol

This week at the gym was gerrrrrr-ate! Got to bed at decent hours and, ya know, I wasn't so tired getting up to go. Two people this week have told me they are seeing changes, aaaaaannnd princess is continuing to see changes as well. We've done really good on food the last couple of weeks and I think that has helped. Thank god for princess and the fact that she can make healthy food taste good. Cuz y'all know I'm all about things that taste good! I'm really feeling my body and it feels good. No funny comments about the last sentence. lol Oh I have a funny story. I can be a real dummy sometimes...So I'm on the bike thingy at the gym and I notice the heart rate isn't reading right. I am staying in the 75-77 rpm range but the heart rate reads only 135. Before heart rate has always been 150 something to 160 something. So like the dummy I am I start tapping on the the monitor. The trainer comes over and I say I don't think this thing is working right. My heart rate is always higher than this. Trainer says it's working right, maybe your heart is getting in better condition. This is what we want. HA! I laughed, trainer laughed. And I said, I'm such a dummy, I just thought this was reading wrong. Okay, maybe it's not as funny in the re-telling, but it was funny then. I mean, duh, of course the heart rate would be going down. That's what it's supposed to do. Anyway so you see progress is being made and I'm feeling really good about it.

So spring is trying to spring and our travel schedule is really starting to take off, and I'm loving it. So many things are gonna be good for us this year. Princess is doing good in school. I'm hoping that if all goes well I will be in school by the Fall. We are now alone in the house as the last child has moved out. Fun, fun, fun! And politically, wow! I've joined the Coffee Party and GetEQUAL. GetEqual is really important to me. Health is really important to me. I think there are some things that are taken for granted in the straight community and they just don't see the implications of their vote on others.

If the health reform passes then princess can get the help she needs. Right now she cannot be on my insurance, even though we are legally married. Our legal marriage only applies in certain states. Oh did I mention we've been together for 16 years! And I have to have documents stating that she is entitled to everything that we have built together in case something happens to me. Did you know if I was a man and we had a one night Vegas wedding she would be entitled to everything automatically! Jus' sayin'!

About GetEQUAL, big things happening. End DOMA, end DADT, end ENDA! It's time! It's our time! If I want to fight for my country I should be able to. Who I have a relationship with does not affect my ability to LOVE and fight for my Country! Princess should have every thing afforded her by marriage to me that others do. My marriage does not affect yours. If it does, something is wrong between y'all. And I should be able to work wherever and however in whatever position without fear of being fired if somebody should not like me being gay.

Whew! Didn't mean to go all there but...The reality is, I have a wife. I have bills. We've raised three kids. We worry about our future. We worry about our kids. We love our family. We love our Country. We have desires to be better. We want better for our kids and everyone. We are the same as everybody else in America. We live the same as everybody else in America. I pay the same taxes as everybody else. We love just as hard as everybody else.

There is more I could say but I will stop here. Just know it's been a really good week for me. Things are happening, physically, politically, emotionally, spiritually! It's a good time!

Tue 9 Mar 10

Today was a good day. When I was walking through the house, princess was behind me and said...wait for it..."you look smaller"!!! That is the first time she has noticed and commented on there being a difference in me. So, YAY! And that totally made up for her not buying bacon at the store today.

At the gym trainer 1 said my goal for you is to lift the heavy bar. I usually only hear about half of what is being said when in a crowd, so I said, oh do you want me to lift it now? And then I realized she had said it was a goal for me about the same time she said, yes, lift it. Okay so now I gotta lift it because everybody is looking at me. LOL Well I did lift it and when she had counted to ten she made another comment that, amazingly enough, I heard perfectly clear, and that was, "I know what you'll be doing tomorrow." I had an "oh shit" moment. But I'm sure everything will be fine tomorrow, right? Right?!

It was a beautiful sunny day and I got to spend some time in it. I went out in the yard and looked at our flowers that are starting to come up. Very nice! It felt so good to have the sun, not snow, on my skin for a change.

It hit me today that it seems I've really been reconnecting with my bios lately. And it's been okay. No, not just okay, it's been good. I think I might start going to more family functions and/or holiday stuff. I mean since we seem to be getting along so good and all. A piece of me is kinda waiting for the other shoe, but I am hopeful that times they are a changin'! Anyway for now I am loving the reconnect. I've really missed them!

I got some great advice from an aunt. She told me to not depend on anyone else to make me healthy among other things. Now, princess will be elated to hear this. And I do mean elated! Her main complaint is that I go to her for food. She wants me to be more involved in feeding myself. I however am quite content to continue to allow her to feed me! :D But I do see the point. Aunt also said she wanted to talk to me more often and, the best part, she told me a story about my other aunt, her sister! Apparently aunt 2 rode with aunt 1, and some others, and talked the entire 8 hour trip to Florida! haha Sounds just like her.

So like I said it's been a really good day. I feel very thankful today. Now let's see how thankful I feel tomorrow after the torture session with trainer 1.

Mon 8 Mar 10

This last weekend we went to Atlanta for a funeral and ended up having a really good time. I know that doesn't sound like something I should say but let me explain. Princess' oldest friend's mother died and she asked us if we would come to the funeral. The friend asked, not the dead mother. Of course we said yes. I got somebody to cover for me and I took off work. We got a hotel room through Priceline, so no refunds. We got out our "church" clothes, scraped up some cash and off we went. Before we left princess had sent her oldest friend a message saying we were on our way.

Now we really have been needing some time away just the two of us, and thought after the funeral we'll do, whatever, and spend some great time together relaxing. About an hour into the drive, maybe not even that long, oldest friend calls my phone because princess didn't answer hers. The first thing I hear is, "You're not headed this way are you?" I was a bit confused and blubbered, what? Oldest friend said if you are on your way here you need to turn around and go home! At this point I handed the phone to princess and waited. Come to find out, princess had the date wrong. Yeah! Funeral. Next Friday!

I had a good laugh at the thought of us showing up at the funeral home and saying, where is everybody? She really is late to her own funeral. You know, things like that. Wandering around room to room. Crashing any 'ol funeral that was available. So, here we are on the way, can't change anything because it's all been paid for, and having the reason why we were coming in the first place no longer the reason why we were still going. lol

Anyway, what I did get was...lots of good sleep. I felt more rested than I have in a long time. It really drove home how much better about going to bed I need to be, especially with the increased activity. I got to see my family. I was going to just have lunch with mom and then it turned out that she was supposed to be at my aunt's house with a whole bunch of my cousins and a few more aunts. So I got to see all them and had a great time. We got to do some shopping at the outlet mall and IKEA, princess' favorite. And best of all we got to spend some good time together! We even had one of those great heart to heart couple talks on the ride home. You know the kind that don't end in an argument and turns out to be really productive. I was happy about that.

And to start Monday off with a bang I had a crazy dream with 3 of my cousins in it. Yes the same three I saw on Saturday. I procrastinated a bit today but I did finally get on the treadmill and do the 30 mins I was supposed to do. I hope my trainers are proud. I will be going to the gym 3 times this week instead of 2, so we'll see how that goes. Princess is planning our meals out for the week. And, and, and it should be warm and spring-like all week. I am expecting this to be a great week.

2 March 10 Tue

Well, it's snowing a-freakin-gen! I know this is nothing compared to a whole bunch of people in the world, but I live in the south people! I was born in the south. I have lived my whole life in the south. I don't do snow every other day. My body is not ready for it. I'm not made for it. The first few times it's all cool and stuff but now, NO! It's pretty when it's falling but then I think I gotta go to work and actually be in this stuff, and, and, and it won't just disappear. It hangs around, for what seems like forever. It's the first of March in the south and it's snowing. That pretty much sums up my day. I will lean on the positive though. I refuse to be negative even though that's how I feel about this.

Positives: The snow won't last forever. It's supposed to be bright and shiny this weekend, and warmer. At least it's snowing on a work day. I am making changes. One great thing is I just looked at my calendar and realized I have a hair appointment this Friday, but I'm going to be in Atlanta this Friday. So I get to call ahead of time to change it and all this means my beautiful hair-doer (my word) won't kill me. :D

One funny thing that happened this weekend was I was talking and wanted to say monopolized, but instead said, are ya ready...monopulated! What a goob. haha Princess was in the back seat. She just leaned up, put her hands on my shoulders, and said, "Oh baby!", and then laughed her butt off. It was pretty funny! Okay, it's time to get ready for work now.

1 Mar 10 Mon

I had such a great weekend! I got to go home to Atlanta and as always it was wonderful. I got to hang out with some good friends. It was only for one night but much needed in this household! Princess and I got to spend some much needed time together, no school, no bills, just us. Very nice! We decided to remember that it is very important to take time out for us no matter what is going on. It was a good smack in the face.

After this weekend today is a somewhat lazy day. We have to unpack and do some things but trying to be lazy, still kinda tired from the whirlwind weekend. I wouldn't change a thing though. But it's time to get back to the real world. Time to start working out and going to work again. I'm ready though. I feel really good about the changes I've made due to working out. I had a couple of friends comment on it this weekend and that was a boost.

Talking about working out; My body has gone though, is going through so many changes. It's kinda crazy. I hurt in so many weird places, and feel good at the same time. But I am seeing changes! We had to do some walking while in Atlanta and I was worried about it, but I was barely breathing hard and I kept up with the others. I was surprised and impressed at the same time. This is working! This is working for me! Princess even saw that I had kept up and not breathing as hard as I used to. It was a great moment!

The pain, the weird muscle tics are all worth it. I just wanna do more now. I wanna get to my goal quickly. And I would be perfect and well on my way, if, if it wasn't for food. God! Food is gonna kill me I swear. I love food, I love good food. I want to eat whatever I want to eat, and I want to eat good! But I am not losing weight because of food. I am losing fat percentage, a very good thing, but I am not losing weight and that needs to go as well. So I have to make changes concerning food and that seems to be the hardest thing for me. I have lost 8% of fat in my core alone and yet, no weight loss. Damnit! I want my food!

Oh! Gods help me! I will make this work. I will do what I need to food wise. I will lose physical weight not just fat percentage. I will! Okay so there ya go. That's where I'm at for this week. Tomorrow work out day.

Who Knew?!

Okay, I am the first one to be sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser and think, what the hell is wrong with them? Why are they crying and carrying on like that? On freaking tv?! Weeeeellllllllll....

Who knew? Who freaking knew that deciding to change my body would be so emotional! All I wanted to do was lose weight and look good. Now this, this crazy, this...uuuhhhhhhhg. My trainer got me on the treadmill and very shortly after that I was breathing hard. To quickly I was breathing hard. Also I didn't want to let go of the sides. Trainer wanted me to but when I did I felt wobbly and like I was gonna go flying off the back into the nearest wall. And when I explained this to trainer, who is like half my size, she sweetly says, I'll catch you. I'll catch you! HA! Yeah, she'll catch me! I could see the headlines now...trainer crushed under weight of flying trainee! Of course I wasn't going flying but, anyway, point is I kept grabbing the sides to keep myself towards the front of the treadmill. Then I realized two things, I was afraid and embarassed. And then, the dreaded, feeling like crying. Then the embarassment got worse because I was like, there is no way in hell I am crying in this gym in front of these people!

So I pulled myself together and finished the workout, which went fine, but got me to thinking. I am afraid to be hot and sweat. I don't want my heart to race. The only thing I can relate that back to is when I first started having high blood pressure problems I would get really hot, sweat and my heart would race. I didn't know what it was at the time and it was scary. I went to the doctor, found out it was high blood pressure and I got medication. But basically I stopped doing anything that mimicked that icky feeling. If I did anything that made me breathe hard I would stop. That was a few years ago and now it has manifested to I just can't do it. On top of everything I just said, a few years ago my mother had a stroke and then I became really fearful of anything that sped up my heart because I didn't want to have a stroke either. And my mother was constantly asking me to get my heart checked. Didn't help.

So I hope everybody is catching the irony here. Yep, that's it. Stopping moving was pretty much guaranteeing that if I was gonna have a stroke this would speed up the process. I gained more weight. It also became harder to do vacations with princess. It became hard to do most anything. I can't tell you when the last time I mowed the grass was. Princess does it or I have my son do it. I even stopped, as much as I could, carrying things to and from the basement. My back started hurting. My knees started hurting. Ugh, see, right there, that one, that's me. The one madly spinning toward the drain hole. The end result is I breathe hard when doing things, even light things.

And that is all the physical. Mentally, emotionally, whatever, my self esteem dropped. I didn't want to do anything because people would have to see me. If I did go anywhere I always worried about not having clothes that fit, or that I thought I looked good in. I was always talking bad about myself in my head, telling myself that is what the other people were thinking. Can we say projecting? lol Hey! I just realized I'm talking about this in past tense! Hmmmm I didn't think this stuff was in the past. I thought I was still dealing with it, but I'll run with it. :D

So, positives for the day, after almost crying at the gym, uh, how horrifying! Positives: I walked 15 mins on the treadmill without falling off and only partially hanging on. I realized some fears and embarrassment that I had. faced it and pushed through it. I realized that I was talking about some negatives about myself in past tense. And I benched 145 lbs.!

All in all, even with the near tears, it was a great day at the gym! I am a Muscle Machine baby! Yeah! (okay, I know, over the top...again) 8{D

Losing It

Okay, so I've really been losing it lately. Really. I've been losing it on lots of things. Let's see now...ever since my bad no-coke migraine, I've been upping my intake of it again. Yay, no headaches. But, you say, can't that stuff clean your car battery? Yeah, I know. So I'm going to have to back off it again. I've already warned princess what was coming.

Let's see, what else? hmmmm Other drivers! OMG, if you can't actually move your car forward, can you at least pull over to the side of the road so the rest of us can continue to our destination? You know, if only you would utilize that little lever on the left of your steering wheel then everybody can know what you're doing. It takes the guess work out of it for us. Not everybody likes surprises. There really isn't a true need to stop 3 car lengths away from the other car at that light! If you would pull up one more second of a length I could turn right! And please for the love of god DO NOT get in the fastest lane possible and drive under the speed limit!!!

Sigh!

There's more. Snow! I've had fun. Lots of it actually, but really, you need to stop now. I'm good if 'ol Mr. Weather does not want to snow anymore this season. Not only is it affecting me and princess but our animals as well. The dogs have decided that no really, it is okay for them to potty inside. Outside is just too cold. And the cats! Well the cats have just lost their damn minds. Every night has been like an elf snuck in and threw cat nip all over the house right before we get home from work. So that while sitting on the couch, all of a sudden you could have two cats flying over your shoulder and inadvertently using you as a springboard.

And then there's...yes I'm going to say it, Re-pub-li-cans! There have been many political discussions going on in my house lately and every one of them have ended up with me shaking my head, waving my hands wildly in the air, and almost screaming, I just don't understand! What the hell is wrong with them! Now I'm not talking about normal, thinking repubs, if there are any. I mean, there are some, right? I'm talking about the nonsensical, no basis for their statements, redirecting any question asked of them, down right making shit up Republicans. Yeah, those guys. You know who I'm talking about. They are everywhere of late. And frankly I've heard some of the most humorous-in-their-idiocy quotes lately. Comedy Central will not want for material as long as this keeps up, and it seems it will keep up as long as Obama is in office.

Now please understand, I have always been one to look at every statement, every candidate, every forum on its own terms. I've always tried to be very bi-partisan in my thinking towards politics. I don't think you should vote for somebody just because that person is Dem or Rep. I think you should vote your conscious. Having just said that...pause lol...WHAT THE HELL!!!

Here I feel like I should say more but I just don't know what to say. I know not all Republicans think the way of the ones that are the most vocal, but they are really just saying some crazy shit. DADT, gay marriage, global warming, and Palin for 2012. What?! I actually heard some lady (don't know her name) argue with Ron Regan Jr. and in a fit of anger tell him that he did not know or have ever even met Ronald Regan...um, his dad. This is the kind of craziness I'm talking about. Ridiculous.

And then there is this project that princess has to do for school. Oh. My. God! Before I go off the deep end let me say, she is having problems with figuring out how to do what she has to do. I know she has been trying really hard. I know she has not put it off or anything like that. But knowing this does not change my good lord could you finish this already attitude. I am so frustrated about this project and it's not even mine. How crazy is that? lol I really wish I could give her the magic answer but, sigh, I will just keep waiting for this to end.

I will get myself together. I mean the Olympics are starting and I love the Olympics! That will give me a break.

February 1, 2010

So now it's February 1st. First day of the new month, the second month of the year, the year of changes. I actually feel pretty good. I started looking at January's posts and thinking about what I had done to change this last month. I have made changes. Not great earth shattering changes. Small hardly noticeable changes. BUT, they have made a difference in me.

I have gone to every single one of my workout appointments. May not seem like much but it is when you are used to making excuses for why you just can not make it. It also may not be much to an observer but to me I've noticed just how much it has changed how I look at my day and myself. Again small changes that I did not notice at first. I am more aware of food and that I need to eat more than once a day. We are fixing more food at the house and I am more conscious of the fact that something needs to get made so I don't have to stop somewhere to eat.

I am more aware of sleep and how I need more than 4 hours of it. And because of that I am more aware of when I go to bed. Also I am sleeping harder than before.

I am getting more done around the house. Now I know if I can do what I do in the gym then I can carry boxes up and down the stairs. It's a slow process but the house is getting better because of doing more.

I get out of the house and run more errands. I get stuff when I need it instead of procrastinating. I plan my days more than I was.

Now I can hear and I know a lot of that stuff sounds stupid, ridiculous really. But it's not really stupid when you stop to think that maybe the reason I didn't go to the store in the first place is because you think everybody in there is talking about the whale that just walked through the door and, boy aren't I glad I got my groceries before he got here.

It completely amazes me of the low self esteem thoughts that were/are running rampant unchecked through my head for all this time! I think about it now. I hear those thoughts when they happen. I seek them out, hunt them down for the sole purpose of destroying them! Murdering them where they stand! I have become a vicious solider valiantly defending my kingdom! I will let no intruder in! See me! Sword in hand!

Ok, so that was a bit much, but fun. LOL Anyway point is, I've made changes, and while they are not readily apparent to others they are greatly apparent to me. I have decided to sign up for more classes with my trainer and to continue my path. It's money well spent so far!

Finally!

It has been so long since I've written anything. You probably thought I was lost or passed out somewhere from exercising, right? Wrong! I'm still here. Aaaannnnddddd still exercising! Yay for me! Actually I feel really good about it. I got a really good compliment from my trainer the other day. She said, "You're really doing very well." I took it as a compliment anyway.

A weird thought occurred to me the other day. I was thinking about this new body path and what all I had to do to achieve it. And then I started thinking about what I was going to look like, you know, trying to picture it. And then, kind of like a slam up side the head, I wondered about my "place" for lack of a better word in my communities. Often I am looked at and called things like Papa Bear and Daddy, references to big, strong, protective, whatever. And I wondered how those same people, or anybody really, would view me when I'm not fat anymore. How will I fit into the communities that I belong to now when I no longer look the way I do now.

Then I had more thoughts. LOL How did my body and size become so ingrained with who I am? Like it defines me or something. I have never thought about my size like that before and I realized, I am letting go of something that is comfortable to me. And the unsurety of where I will fit in later and the possible loss of how I fit in now brought about a sadness. A sadness that's kind of hard to explain really, but I think it was more for the loss. Which is funny because I'm making myself better, more fit, showing more discipline. Right?

And in that moment of wondering why this brought on a sadness, I felt...something. I felt, what, what did I feel...hungry. And maybe it was drink:30. It's 5 o'clock somewhere right. It was automatic. I didn't even see it coming. My big body just started moving towards the kitchen as if I was merely hungry. And I'm not even sure that hungry is a feeling word. But I sure thought I was hungry. So there I stood looking around the kitchen getting more and more frustrated because there was just nothing to eat damnit! You know, nothing like Doritos.

It took a few days for me to realize what had happened. I'm still not sure I've got it fully figured out, and I don't know if I'll spot it when it happens again, but I think it went something like this: I'm doing really good with my workouts. I'm going to look so fine! Everybody will want me! Happiness. Excited. Oh, but wait, I wonder how I can still be Daddy when I'm not fat. How will that work? Let me see, who do I know that is fit and still a Daddy. There's that one, but I think that's it. All the other ones I know are kinda big. Ok. But, I still want to get to looking fine because I'm tired of looking like this and always feeling like I can't wear what I want. I wonder if people will still address me the same way though, even though I'm not big anymore. Sadness. Confused. Unsure. HUNGRY and I want a drink. Off to the kitchen and...SABOTAGE!

I had just single handedly set out to ruin what I am trying to accomplish. I talked myself away from feeling good about what I have done so far and where I am going to feeling bad about something that hasn't even happened yet. And then to make matters worse I did the very thing that got me to this point in the first place. AHhhhh, comfort. I know this. This is normal. This...is cozy.

So not only am I turning my world upside down. Now I have to redefine "normal". And I have to relearn how to deal with feelings without sabotaging myself in the process. I think I know how to do it. I used to do it. I think. And by the way, when did food and drink become the soother of feelings anyway?! When did this happen? It had to be after I left home because I wasn't doing it there. I did read a lot there, but really, when? I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be self destructive. I don't want to take every good thing about me or my life and ruin it just because I have lost my way somewhere. Somewhere that I can't even freaking remember!

I don't want to be that person, and yet, here I sit. Wow! I just got hit by so many emotions that I am now crying. Unfortunately I can't tell you what a single one of them are. I just feel like crying right now. I am not a cry-er. I am not that person. Wait, I think I got something...disappointment. It should be read more like dis! a! point! ment! And failure. I have let myself and everybody else down.

I don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to do.

Guess I'll start by getting up tomorrow. And meeting with my trainer. Maybe that is where I should start.

Old Habits

I've been thinking about this since Sunday. Here it is the 2nd week of Jan and I still haven't changed some things that I wanted to change. So on Monday I dug in my heels for a new resolve and asked myself how I was going to make it better. It also occurred to me how comfortable it is to keep going the same exact way that you're used to, even when it isn't working for you! Crazy!

I used to think I was pretty adaptable to things, and I guess I am still adaptable, maybe it's the motivation level that has changed. Maybe a lower self esteem or image. Maybe it's all that telling myself I will fail miserably at anything I try. Well I know I can sit on my couch. I know I can eat and gain weight. I know I can be unhappy with myself for not doing things that I want to do.

I mean really, do you know how humiliating it is to go on a vacation with your wife (who now prefers to be called princess, by the way) and she wants to do a zipline. Zipline sounds like fun, but when she mentioned it the very first thought was a picture in my head of me starting down the thing, and the line *snaps* because of my size, and there I go flying off into some South American jungle never to be found again, and maybe even eaten by an anaconda or something.

Now I've had therapy. That change was difficult and uncomfortable, but I got through it and I am a better person for it. This is physical so it should be easier. So for now I'm gonna run with, change is hard but, I will be an even better person for it. Be uncomfortable. Be unsure. Be fearful even. But do, and do, and do, until I get it right. Or maybe it won't even be right, but it will be better.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, princess and I have an appointment with a personal trainer tomorrow to evaluate us. It's a start. And it gets a least one foot moving in the right direction. I'll let you know how it goes.

Voter/wife face dream

And here's what I dreamed last night:

There was a vote in Asheville on something to do with gay issues. All the votes were negative which meant the gays would have won. It was a positive thing for the community. There were protests of course, and the whole atmosphere was very volatile. A current moving just under the crowd about to burst forth and reek havoc. It was very tense.

Somehow, even though it was a unanimous vote, they demanded a re-vote, not re-count, a whole new vote. BUT, this time they set up 6 boxes on a stand a few feet apart from each other. Everybody who wanted to vote would be given a thick red card they could put their vote on, and only 6 at a time would come and stand behind each box and drop their vote.

Wife wanted to vote. I begged her not to. I told her something more was going on here than what we could see at this point. I asked to her to let others go first and let's see what is really happening. She, as is typical, was very defiant. Said it was a cause she believed in and there was nothing I could say to stop her. I told her if they started to beat her they would make me watch and I just didn't know if I could take that. I was still pleading my case when a voice over a loud speaker said, "drop your votes." We both looked and the first 6 were standing there, hands poised over the slit in the box, and then they dropped their votes. Wife had missed the first vote!

You could see the word on every vote because the boxes were clear and all were negative. Again all good for the gay community. In front of the boxes sat some police, some activists both pro gay and not, and some who were civilians working for government, and government people themselves, some noticeable some not. When they dropped their votes I saw one of police nod to another and say, "here we go", and they started to get up. I grabbed wife and pulled her back. But one of the police grabbed her and threw her in line with the other 6. I said, "No! She still has her card! She didn't vote!" The guy put his hand up in front of my chest and said, "Don't get involved."

Then I realized I was part of the police, or had something to do with them that they knew me really well. They didn't want to harm me but they had to take her. It was just their job. I stood there stunned as I watched something I could not imagine or control. They started beating one guy, one of the 6. They drug another guy off, don't know where they took him. They shot one of the older voter, got her right between the eyes. And they started cutting wifes face with razors. Old style barber shop razors. At first it was just slits here and there, all the while asking would she change her vote. And with every no response they cut faster until it was nothing but the ladys hands moving very fast across wifes face. With every slice wife just stood there. Didn't even raise her hands, and I was frozen with horror.

I think I must have asked why are you doing this to one of the cops because he said to me, "We have to do this as an example to the next voters of what is going to happen if they vote negative." I looked around at all the red cards in people's hands and thought, oh god, there are so many!

Then it was over. Wife was lying on a table, face covered with two cloths, blood seeping through. I heard one of the nurses saying, "As soon as she was in there she demanded a re-con unit be set up immediately. I don't know what's going to happen." Now what that meant in my dream was when wife went in to get the red card she wanted a re-con set up, and re-con meant an emergency unit for the people who were going to get hurt. I realized she knew ahead of time that it was going to be bad and wanted to set up some sort of help for the people. Wife said, "I want to go to re-con." Nurse said, "We heard you the first time."

At that point I ran to her and pulled off the cloths. Her face was not even there. It was just blood and slashes. I touched her and held her hand and told her I was there. I kept saying, "It's me baby, it's me." They were coming to get her to take her to re-con and I told her I would not leave her side.

Then I woke up. Horrifying! Dark. Tense, up until I was with wife at the end. Then it seemed it wasn't so tense. It also seemed she became a landmark case for the abuses surrounding votes. I think lawyers were part of the re-con.

I have no idea what so ever what this is supposed to mean, if anything. But really, sometimes I wish I didn't remember them so vividly!

What is happening? lol

Wow! The last couple of days have been crazy. As you know I've decided to really work on things this year. Action plan ready. And just when I really began to do this, and to really feel good about what I was doing...BAM! Yesterday, all day, and today too, for no apparent reason, I was plagued with "you're a failure" running through my head. Nothing had changed or happened. I'm still on track with what needs to be accomplished. Still focused. And then, this! So much so that I've been emotional, like crying, and I hate to cry.

Today when my poor wife was like, "what is wrong with you?", I had a realization. And said, out loud, I think this is a version of self sabotage. What do you think? And just as soon as I had asked wife that question, it struck me like a ton of bricks. Like literally that light thing going off. I felt like I had one, just one, but one of the answers. I am preventing myself from success by doubts, fears, and that nagging feeling that I am just not. good. enough. Will I ever be?

I still feel a little blah, but at the same time I feel a bit more determined. Now, more questions of course, how to stop this defeatism? How do I recognize it when it begins so I don't have to wallow and feel like total shit for a few days at a time? And something else I didn't realize - good lord is it hard to overcome the negativity that takes root and tells you what a shitty person you are, and that you will never amount to anything! You will always be broke, always on a dead end! Your wife will die thinking she could have done much much better for herself!

Okay, so I guess you get the picture now. lol

So I thought if I did some of those seemingly silly little tricks that shrinks like to tell you to do it might help. I am powerful! I am strong! I can make the necessary changes to make my life better! I am worth every ounce of effort that I put into me and my future. I can have the better job and feel and look good physically!

I AM WORTH ALL OF IT! I DESERVE IT!

There. We'll see if that helps.

Funny thing, I had a dream the other night. I had two houses. Nothing special or grand. One I lived in. It was cluttered and run down. It needed a lot of repair but I loved the house and it suited my needs for the time being. I wanted something better and up to date, but this would do. My wife was in the dream and someone else who was very close, like family close. She was black and prominent in my dream. Don't know who she is in real life.

The other house was not far from the one I lived in. It was empty. I had wondered why the kids, or somebody, was not living there. The three of us went over to look through it. I thought it should be getting some use. I wish I could just draw it out for you to see but I'll do my best to describe it.

When you walked in there was a kitchen off to the right. From the door it opened into a big cozy living room with a fireplace and big screen tv, big bookshelves. I had forgotten how much I liked this house. The door opposite the one we entered on the left of the living room led down a hall and into the main bedroom, passing a couple more rooms and bathroom. The main bedroom was also big. Kind of bare and I was thinking about all that could be done with this place and that it was a shame that it was just sitting here not being used. On the other side of the bedroom was another door and when you looked you could see down another hall and through the living room all the way to the kitchen.

It felt good standing there. I said aloud but like I was talking to myself, I said, "I can see myself living here." And nodded my head yes while saying this.

End of dream. Other notes, outside was kind of a grey brown. Like a rainy or misty/foggy day in the mountains. To see it you would think cold, but it wasn't really cold at all. Maybe Autumn. It felt good to be in the 2nd house. I could see the potential in it. It felt new. That's about all I can remember. Last night I had a dream about a house/bldg as well but I don't really remember that one.

So my newest goal is to find a different or counter word for failure. Wish me luck.

Dream

Two nights ago I dreamed...

My dad, my brother and I were driving looking for something. The road was long and had a bunch of buildings on it. It was dark. Everything was closed. We turned down an alley and on the backside of these buildings was a hidden town. A gun store, feed store, grocery store, and they all seemed closed too. We saw some cars parked out there and from one of the seemingly deserted buildings we saw some lights flashing and heard muffled music. We decided to go in and see if somebody could direct us to what we were looking for.

Inside was a party of sorts. At first it seemed normal, lights, music, dancing. Then it wasn't. I mean it was still all that but more. There was another door leading out the back that turned into a house and many deviant things were going on in various places of this house. Some were drugs, using and selling, some were sexual, all kinds of acts were being performed in this space. My brother disappeared. And a guy introduced himself to help show us around. In one room it was like a movie theater. Showing sex acts and murder and whatever on the big screen. We wandered through room to room. At some point my dad disappeared as well. I talked to some of the patrons while waiting for my dad and brother to show back up so we could leave.

I had walked outside at some point and there were people on the lawn doing all kinds of things. I also noticed an unmarked car sitting to the side with someone inside. He saw I wasn't a part of this crowd and got out of his car and told me I needed to get out of there because the place was being watched by the police. I told him I couldn't leave yet, I had people inside. He said to hurry, this night was not going to end well.

I went back inside and there was my dad. I tried to get him to leave but he started making inappropriate sexual advances towards me. It was like he had been possessed by something. When I tried to talk to him to tell him to stop and let's go, he said he was never leaving this place. So while I'm still looking for a way out, he is following me and trying to get me to do things. I decided to leave on foot if that's the only way and start heading toward the door. As I'm going he grabs my arm and tries to get me to stay. He says I need to be here. Nobody leaves. Ever. I'm pulling against him and my mom is there.

When I pull harder he knocks me to the ground and has a drill with a long bit and starts drilling through my shoulder to get me to stay. My mom pulls out a chainsaw and slices through his arm. I stand up and he's clearly in pain. The chainsaw didn't cut off his arm but sawed through in it some kind of weird way so that it's still attached the way it's supposed to be only pieces are hanging from it. My mom grabs me and we run outside to see a swat team approaching the house.

I stand frozen in the yard holding my mom's hand with blood pouring from my shoulder. I'm just not sure what to do. The swat team passes by us like they can't even see us and enters the house. From there I heard a lot of yelling and screaming and shooting. It seems the guy from the car approached us, but I'm not sure because I woke up then.

What I remember is dark and blood, lots of blood. Underworld. Hidden. Secret. Seeing what's there but feeling like there was something more I wasn't seeing. Something more going on with me right in the midst and I can't tell what it is. Private. Not full on horror but trepidation about the whole night. Nothing seemed exactly as the way it looked.

Okay! Thoughts, comments, any dream gurus out there?

What AM I doing?

I decided this year I was going to blog. Not really sure why. I have lots of thoughts and putting them down helps me, and I like to write but hardly ever do. So I thought, well I'm on the computer enough, maybe I should blog. So here I am.

I have never done this before and it will probably take me a minute to figure this out, but here I go.

I'll start with saying this year is going to be so much better for me and my wife. I've decided to take matters into my own hands with, well, with many things, but to name a few are career, weight, and finances. And what I mean by taking matters into my own hands is to stop sitting around talking about one day when I'm...in shape/have X amount of money/whatever, I'm going to do...blah blah blah. And start putting some action into what I want.

Now, I get all gung-ho and I'm ready to tackle the world and as I'm running toward my goal, oh look a shiny disco ball! How pretty! And then somehow I'm back to talking about what I want and 3 months have passed.

So, I guess goal number 1 would be to stay focused. lol Well I guess this is a start so I'll stop here. But I'll be back! Thanks to Arnold for never letting me say that without thinking of his accent.

Bye.

P.S. After having my wife proof read this she laughed and said, "It was so self-conscious!" So, there ya go. Don't be fooled though, she really does support me.