Who Knew?!

Okay, I am the first one to be sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser and think, what the hell is wrong with them? Why are they crying and carrying on like that? On freaking tv?! Weeeeellllllllll....

Who knew? Who freaking knew that deciding to change my body would be so emotional! All I wanted to do was lose weight and look good. Now this, this crazy, this...uuuhhhhhhhg. My trainer got me on the treadmill and very shortly after that I was breathing hard. To quickly I was breathing hard. Also I didn't want to let go of the sides. Trainer wanted me to but when I did I felt wobbly and like I was gonna go flying off the back into the nearest wall. And when I explained this to trainer, who is like half my size, she sweetly says, I'll catch you. I'll catch you! HA! Yeah, she'll catch me! I could see the headlines now...trainer crushed under weight of flying trainee! Of course I wasn't going flying but, anyway, point is I kept grabbing the sides to keep myself towards the front of the treadmill. Then I realized two things, I was afraid and embarassed. And then, the dreaded, feeling like crying. Then the embarassment got worse because I was like, there is no way in hell I am crying in this gym in front of these people!

So I pulled myself together and finished the workout, which went fine, but got me to thinking. I am afraid to be hot and sweat. I don't want my heart to race. The only thing I can relate that back to is when I first started having high blood pressure problems I would get really hot, sweat and my heart would race. I didn't know what it was at the time and it was scary. I went to the doctor, found out it was high blood pressure and I got medication. But basically I stopped doing anything that mimicked that icky feeling. If I did anything that made me breathe hard I would stop. That was a few years ago and now it has manifested to I just can't do it. On top of everything I just said, a few years ago my mother had a stroke and then I became really fearful of anything that sped up my heart because I didn't want to have a stroke either. And my mother was constantly asking me to get my heart checked. Didn't help.

So I hope everybody is catching the irony here. Yep, that's it. Stopping moving was pretty much guaranteeing that if I was gonna have a stroke this would speed up the process. I gained more weight. It also became harder to do vacations with princess. It became hard to do most anything. I can't tell you when the last time I mowed the grass was. Princess does it or I have my son do it. I even stopped, as much as I could, carrying things to and from the basement. My back started hurting. My knees started hurting. Ugh, see, right there, that one, that's me. The one madly spinning toward the drain hole. The end result is I breathe hard when doing things, even light things.

And that is all the physical. Mentally, emotionally, whatever, my self esteem dropped. I didn't want to do anything because people would have to see me. If I did go anywhere I always worried about not having clothes that fit, or that I thought I looked good in. I was always talking bad about myself in my head, telling myself that is what the other people were thinking. Can we say projecting? lol Hey! I just realized I'm talking about this in past tense! Hmmmm I didn't think this stuff was in the past. I thought I was still dealing with it, but I'll run with it. :D

So, positives for the day, after almost crying at the gym, uh, how horrifying! Positives: I walked 15 mins on the treadmill without falling off and only partially hanging on. I realized some fears and embarrassment that I had. faced it and pushed through it. I realized that I was talking about some negatives about myself in past tense. And I benched 145 lbs.!

All in all, even with the near tears, it was a great day at the gym! I am a Muscle Machine baby! Yeah! (okay, I know, over the top...again) 8{D