Who Knew?!

Okay, I am the first one to be sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser and think, what the hell is wrong with them? Why are they crying and carrying on like that? On freaking tv?! Weeeeellllllllll....

Who knew? Who freaking knew that deciding to change my body would be so emotional! All I wanted to do was lose weight and look good. Now this, this crazy, this...uuuhhhhhhhg. My trainer got me on the treadmill and very shortly after that I was breathing hard. To quickly I was breathing hard. Also I didn't want to let go of the sides. Trainer wanted me to but when I did I felt wobbly and like I was gonna go flying off the back into the nearest wall. And when I explained this to trainer, who is like half my size, she sweetly says, I'll catch you. I'll catch you! HA! Yeah, she'll catch me! I could see the headlines now...trainer crushed under weight of flying trainee! Of course I wasn't going flying but, anyway, point is I kept grabbing the sides to keep myself towards the front of the treadmill. Then I realized two things, I was afraid and embarassed. And then, the dreaded, feeling like crying. Then the embarassment got worse because I was like, there is no way in hell I am crying in this gym in front of these people!

So I pulled myself together and finished the workout, which went fine, but got me to thinking. I am afraid to be hot and sweat. I don't want my heart to race. The only thing I can relate that back to is when I first started having high blood pressure problems I would get really hot, sweat and my heart would race. I didn't know what it was at the time and it was scary. I went to the doctor, found out it was high blood pressure and I got medication. But basically I stopped doing anything that mimicked that icky feeling. If I did anything that made me breathe hard I would stop. That was a few years ago and now it has manifested to I just can't do it. On top of everything I just said, a few years ago my mother had a stroke and then I became really fearful of anything that sped up my heart because I didn't want to have a stroke either. And my mother was constantly asking me to get my heart checked. Didn't help.

So I hope everybody is catching the irony here. Yep, that's it. Stopping moving was pretty much guaranteeing that if I was gonna have a stroke this would speed up the process. I gained more weight. It also became harder to do vacations with princess. It became hard to do most anything. I can't tell you when the last time I mowed the grass was. Princess does it or I have my son do it. I even stopped, as much as I could, carrying things to and from the basement. My back started hurting. My knees started hurting. Ugh, see, right there, that one, that's me. The one madly spinning toward the drain hole. The end result is I breathe hard when doing things, even light things.

And that is all the physical. Mentally, emotionally, whatever, my self esteem dropped. I didn't want to do anything because people would have to see me. If I did go anywhere I always worried about not having clothes that fit, or that I thought I looked good in. I was always talking bad about myself in my head, telling myself that is what the other people were thinking. Can we say projecting? lol Hey! I just realized I'm talking about this in past tense! Hmmmm I didn't think this stuff was in the past. I thought I was still dealing with it, but I'll run with it. :D

So, positives for the day, after almost crying at the gym, uh, how horrifying! Positives: I walked 15 mins on the treadmill without falling off and only partially hanging on. I realized some fears and embarrassment that I had. faced it and pushed through it. I realized that I was talking about some negatives about myself in past tense. And I benched 145 lbs.!

All in all, even with the near tears, it was a great day at the gym! I am a Muscle Machine baby! Yeah! (okay, I know, over the top...again) 8{D

Losing It

Okay, so I've really been losing it lately. Really. I've been losing it on lots of things. Let's see now...ever since my bad no-coke migraine, I've been upping my intake of it again. Yay, no headaches. But, you say, can't that stuff clean your car battery? Yeah, I know. So I'm going to have to back off it again. I've already warned princess what was coming.

Let's see, what else? hmmmm Other drivers! OMG, if you can't actually move your car forward, can you at least pull over to the side of the road so the rest of us can continue to our destination? You know, if only you would utilize that little lever on the left of your steering wheel then everybody can know what you're doing. It takes the guess work out of it for us. Not everybody likes surprises. There really isn't a true need to stop 3 car lengths away from the other car at that light! If you would pull up one more second of a length I could turn right! And please for the love of god DO NOT get in the fastest lane possible and drive under the speed limit!!!

Sigh!

There's more. Snow! I've had fun. Lots of it actually, but really, you need to stop now. I'm good if 'ol Mr. Weather does not want to snow anymore this season. Not only is it affecting me and princess but our animals as well. The dogs have decided that no really, it is okay for them to potty inside. Outside is just too cold. And the cats! Well the cats have just lost their damn minds. Every night has been like an elf snuck in and threw cat nip all over the house right before we get home from work. So that while sitting on the couch, all of a sudden you could have two cats flying over your shoulder and inadvertently using you as a springboard.

And then there's...yes I'm going to say it, Re-pub-li-cans! There have been many political discussions going on in my house lately and every one of them have ended up with me shaking my head, waving my hands wildly in the air, and almost screaming, I just don't understand! What the hell is wrong with them! Now I'm not talking about normal, thinking repubs, if there are any. I mean, there are some, right? I'm talking about the nonsensical, no basis for their statements, redirecting any question asked of them, down right making shit up Republicans. Yeah, those guys. You know who I'm talking about. They are everywhere of late. And frankly I've heard some of the most humorous-in-their-idiocy quotes lately. Comedy Central will not want for material as long as this keeps up, and it seems it will keep up as long as Obama is in office.

Now please understand, I have always been one to look at every statement, every candidate, every forum on its own terms. I've always tried to be very bi-partisan in my thinking towards politics. I don't think you should vote for somebody just because that person is Dem or Rep. I think you should vote your conscious. Having just said that...pause lol...WHAT THE HELL!!!

Here I feel like I should say more but I just don't know what to say. I know not all Republicans think the way of the ones that are the most vocal, but they are really just saying some crazy shit. DADT, gay marriage, global warming, and Palin for 2012. What?! I actually heard some lady (don't know her name) argue with Ron Regan Jr. and in a fit of anger tell him that he did not know or have ever even met Ronald Regan...um, his dad. This is the kind of craziness I'm talking about. Ridiculous.

And then there is this project that princess has to do for school. Oh. My. God! Before I go off the deep end let me say, she is having problems with figuring out how to do what she has to do. I know she has been trying really hard. I know she has not put it off or anything like that. But knowing this does not change my good lord could you finish this already attitude. I am so frustrated about this project and it's not even mine. How crazy is that? lol I really wish I could give her the magic answer but, sigh, I will just keep waiting for this to end.

I will get myself together. I mean the Olympics are starting and I love the Olympics! That will give me a break.

February 1, 2010

So now it's February 1st. First day of the new month, the second month of the year, the year of changes. I actually feel pretty good. I started looking at January's posts and thinking about what I had done to change this last month. I have made changes. Not great earth shattering changes. Small hardly noticeable changes. BUT, they have made a difference in me.

I have gone to every single one of my workout appointments. May not seem like much but it is when you are used to making excuses for why you just can not make it. It also may not be much to an observer but to me I've noticed just how much it has changed how I look at my day and myself. Again small changes that I did not notice at first. I am more aware of food and that I need to eat more than once a day. We are fixing more food at the house and I am more conscious of the fact that something needs to get made so I don't have to stop somewhere to eat.

I am more aware of sleep and how I need more than 4 hours of it. And because of that I am more aware of when I go to bed. Also I am sleeping harder than before.

I am getting more done around the house. Now I know if I can do what I do in the gym then I can carry boxes up and down the stairs. It's a slow process but the house is getting better because of doing more.

I get out of the house and run more errands. I get stuff when I need it instead of procrastinating. I plan my days more than I was.

Now I can hear and I know a lot of that stuff sounds stupid, ridiculous really. But it's not really stupid when you stop to think that maybe the reason I didn't go to the store in the first place is because you think everybody in there is talking about the whale that just walked through the door and, boy aren't I glad I got my groceries before he got here.

It completely amazes me of the low self esteem thoughts that were/are running rampant unchecked through my head for all this time! I think about it now. I hear those thoughts when they happen. I seek them out, hunt them down for the sole purpose of destroying them! Murdering them where they stand! I have become a vicious solider valiantly defending my kingdom! I will let no intruder in! See me! Sword in hand!

Ok, so that was a bit much, but fun. LOL Anyway point is, I've made changes, and while they are not readily apparent to others they are greatly apparent to me. I have decided to sign up for more classes with my trainer and to continue my path. It's money well spent so far!