Finally!

It has been so long since I've written anything. You probably thought I was lost or passed out somewhere from exercising, right? Wrong! I'm still here. Aaaannnnddddd still exercising! Yay for me! Actually I feel really good about it. I got a really good compliment from my trainer the other day. She said, "You're really doing very well." I took it as a compliment anyway.

A weird thought occurred to me the other day. I was thinking about this new body path and what all I had to do to achieve it. And then I started thinking about what I was going to look like, you know, trying to picture it. And then, kind of like a slam up side the head, I wondered about my "place" for lack of a better word in my communities. Often I am looked at and called things like Papa Bear and Daddy, references to big, strong, protective, whatever. And I wondered how those same people, or anybody really, would view me when I'm not fat anymore. How will I fit into the communities that I belong to now when I no longer look the way I do now.

Then I had more thoughts. LOL How did my body and size become so ingrained with who I am? Like it defines me or something. I have never thought about my size like that before and I realized, I am letting go of something that is comfortable to me. And the unsurety of where I will fit in later and the possible loss of how I fit in now brought about a sadness. A sadness that's kind of hard to explain really, but I think it was more for the loss. Which is funny because I'm making myself better, more fit, showing more discipline. Right?

And in that moment of wondering why this brought on a sadness, I felt...something. I felt, what, what did I feel...hungry. And maybe it was drink:30. It's 5 o'clock somewhere right. It was automatic. I didn't even see it coming. My big body just started moving towards the kitchen as if I was merely hungry. And I'm not even sure that hungry is a feeling word. But I sure thought I was hungry. So there I stood looking around the kitchen getting more and more frustrated because there was just nothing to eat damnit! You know, nothing like Doritos.

It took a few days for me to realize what had happened. I'm still not sure I've got it fully figured out, and I don't know if I'll spot it when it happens again, but I think it went something like this: I'm doing really good with my workouts. I'm going to look so fine! Everybody will want me! Happiness. Excited. Oh, but wait, I wonder how I can still be Daddy when I'm not fat. How will that work? Let me see, who do I know that is fit and still a Daddy. There's that one, but I think that's it. All the other ones I know are kinda big. Ok. But, I still want to get to looking fine because I'm tired of looking like this and always feeling like I can't wear what I want. I wonder if people will still address me the same way though, even though I'm not big anymore. Sadness. Confused. Unsure. HUNGRY and I want a drink. Off to the kitchen and...SABOTAGE!

I had just single handedly set out to ruin what I am trying to accomplish. I talked myself away from feeling good about what I have done so far and where I am going to feeling bad about something that hasn't even happened yet. And then to make matters worse I did the very thing that got me to this point in the first place. AHhhhh, comfort. I know this. This is normal. This...is cozy.

So not only am I turning my world upside down. Now I have to redefine "normal". And I have to relearn how to deal with feelings without sabotaging myself in the process. I think I know how to do it. I used to do it. I think. And by the way, when did food and drink become the soother of feelings anyway?! When did this happen? It had to be after I left home because I wasn't doing it there. I did read a lot there, but really, when? I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be self destructive. I don't want to take every good thing about me or my life and ruin it just because I have lost my way somewhere. Somewhere that I can't even freaking remember!

I don't want to be that person, and yet, here I sit. Wow! I just got hit by so many emotions that I am now crying. Unfortunately I can't tell you what a single one of them are. I just feel like crying right now. I am not a cry-er. I am not that person. Wait, I think I got something...disappointment. It should be read more like dis! a! point! ment! And failure. I have let myself and everybody else down.

I don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to do.

Guess I'll start by getting up tomorrow. And meeting with my trainer. Maybe that is where I should start.

Old Habits

I've been thinking about this since Sunday. Here it is the 2nd week of Jan and I still haven't changed some things that I wanted to change. So on Monday I dug in my heels for a new resolve and asked myself how I was going to make it better. It also occurred to me how comfortable it is to keep going the same exact way that you're used to, even when it isn't working for you! Crazy!

I used to think I was pretty adaptable to things, and I guess I am still adaptable, maybe it's the motivation level that has changed. Maybe a lower self esteem or image. Maybe it's all that telling myself I will fail miserably at anything I try. Well I know I can sit on my couch. I know I can eat and gain weight. I know I can be unhappy with myself for not doing things that I want to do.

I mean really, do you know how humiliating it is to go on a vacation with your wife (who now prefers to be called princess, by the way) and she wants to do a zipline. Zipline sounds like fun, but when she mentioned it the very first thought was a picture in my head of me starting down the thing, and the line *snaps* because of my size, and there I go flying off into some South American jungle never to be found again, and maybe even eaten by an anaconda or something.

Now I've had therapy. That change was difficult and uncomfortable, but I got through it and I am a better person for it. This is physical so it should be easier. So for now I'm gonna run with, change is hard but, I will be an even better person for it. Be uncomfortable. Be unsure. Be fearful even. But do, and do, and do, until I get it right. Or maybe it won't even be right, but it will be better.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, princess and I have an appointment with a personal trainer tomorrow to evaluate us. It's a start. And it gets a least one foot moving in the right direction. I'll let you know how it goes.

Voter/wife face dream

And here's what I dreamed last night:

There was a vote in Asheville on something to do with gay issues. All the votes were negative which meant the gays would have won. It was a positive thing for the community. There were protests of course, and the whole atmosphere was very volatile. A current moving just under the crowd about to burst forth and reek havoc. It was very tense.

Somehow, even though it was a unanimous vote, they demanded a re-vote, not re-count, a whole new vote. BUT, this time they set up 6 boxes on a stand a few feet apart from each other. Everybody who wanted to vote would be given a thick red card they could put their vote on, and only 6 at a time would come and stand behind each box and drop their vote.

Wife wanted to vote. I begged her not to. I told her something more was going on here than what we could see at this point. I asked to her to let others go first and let's see what is really happening. She, as is typical, was very defiant. Said it was a cause she believed in and there was nothing I could say to stop her. I told her if they started to beat her they would make me watch and I just didn't know if I could take that. I was still pleading my case when a voice over a loud speaker said, "drop your votes." We both looked and the first 6 were standing there, hands poised over the slit in the box, and then they dropped their votes. Wife had missed the first vote!

You could see the word on every vote because the boxes were clear and all were negative. Again all good for the gay community. In front of the boxes sat some police, some activists both pro gay and not, and some who were civilians working for government, and government people themselves, some noticeable some not. When they dropped their votes I saw one of police nod to another and say, "here we go", and they started to get up. I grabbed wife and pulled her back. But one of the police grabbed her and threw her in line with the other 6. I said, "No! She still has her card! She didn't vote!" The guy put his hand up in front of my chest and said, "Don't get involved."

Then I realized I was part of the police, or had something to do with them that they knew me really well. They didn't want to harm me but they had to take her. It was just their job. I stood there stunned as I watched something I could not imagine or control. They started beating one guy, one of the 6. They drug another guy off, don't know where they took him. They shot one of the older voter, got her right between the eyes. And they started cutting wifes face with razors. Old style barber shop razors. At first it was just slits here and there, all the while asking would she change her vote. And with every no response they cut faster until it was nothing but the ladys hands moving very fast across wifes face. With every slice wife just stood there. Didn't even raise her hands, and I was frozen with horror.

I think I must have asked why are you doing this to one of the cops because he said to me, "We have to do this as an example to the next voters of what is going to happen if they vote negative." I looked around at all the red cards in people's hands and thought, oh god, there are so many!

Then it was over. Wife was lying on a table, face covered with two cloths, blood seeping through. I heard one of the nurses saying, "As soon as she was in there she demanded a re-con unit be set up immediately. I don't know what's going to happen." Now what that meant in my dream was when wife went in to get the red card she wanted a re-con set up, and re-con meant an emergency unit for the people who were going to get hurt. I realized she knew ahead of time that it was going to be bad and wanted to set up some sort of help for the people. Wife said, "I want to go to re-con." Nurse said, "We heard you the first time."

At that point I ran to her and pulled off the cloths. Her face was not even there. It was just blood and slashes. I touched her and held her hand and told her I was there. I kept saying, "It's me baby, it's me." They were coming to get her to take her to re-con and I told her I would not leave her side.

Then I woke up. Horrifying! Dark. Tense, up until I was with wife at the end. Then it seemed it wasn't so tense. It also seemed she became a landmark case for the abuses surrounding votes. I think lawyers were part of the re-con.

I have no idea what so ever what this is supposed to mean, if anything. But really, sometimes I wish I didn't remember them so vividly!

What is happening? lol

Wow! The last couple of days have been crazy. As you know I've decided to really work on things this year. Action plan ready. And just when I really began to do this, and to really feel good about what I was doing...BAM! Yesterday, all day, and today too, for no apparent reason, I was plagued with "you're a failure" running through my head. Nothing had changed or happened. I'm still on track with what needs to be accomplished. Still focused. And then, this! So much so that I've been emotional, like crying, and I hate to cry.

Today when my poor wife was like, "what is wrong with you?", I had a realization. And said, out loud, I think this is a version of self sabotage. What do you think? And just as soon as I had asked wife that question, it struck me like a ton of bricks. Like literally that light thing going off. I felt like I had one, just one, but one of the answers. I am preventing myself from success by doubts, fears, and that nagging feeling that I am just not. good. enough. Will I ever be?

I still feel a little blah, but at the same time I feel a bit more determined. Now, more questions of course, how to stop this defeatism? How do I recognize it when it begins so I don't have to wallow and feel like total shit for a few days at a time? And something else I didn't realize - good lord is it hard to overcome the negativity that takes root and tells you what a shitty person you are, and that you will never amount to anything! You will always be broke, always on a dead end! Your wife will die thinking she could have done much much better for herself!

Okay, so I guess you get the picture now. lol

So I thought if I did some of those seemingly silly little tricks that shrinks like to tell you to do it might help. I am powerful! I am strong! I can make the necessary changes to make my life better! I am worth every ounce of effort that I put into me and my future. I can have the better job and feel and look good physically!

I AM WORTH ALL OF IT! I DESERVE IT!

There. We'll see if that helps.

Funny thing, I had a dream the other night. I had two houses. Nothing special or grand. One I lived in. It was cluttered and run down. It needed a lot of repair but I loved the house and it suited my needs for the time being. I wanted something better and up to date, but this would do. My wife was in the dream and someone else who was very close, like family close. She was black and prominent in my dream. Don't know who she is in real life.

The other house was not far from the one I lived in. It was empty. I had wondered why the kids, or somebody, was not living there. The three of us went over to look through it. I thought it should be getting some use. I wish I could just draw it out for you to see but I'll do my best to describe it.

When you walked in there was a kitchen off to the right. From the door it opened into a big cozy living room with a fireplace and big screen tv, big bookshelves. I had forgotten how much I liked this house. The door opposite the one we entered on the left of the living room led down a hall and into the main bedroom, passing a couple more rooms and bathroom. The main bedroom was also big. Kind of bare and I was thinking about all that could be done with this place and that it was a shame that it was just sitting here not being used. On the other side of the bedroom was another door and when you looked you could see down another hall and through the living room all the way to the kitchen.

It felt good standing there. I said aloud but like I was talking to myself, I said, "I can see myself living here." And nodded my head yes while saying this.

End of dream. Other notes, outside was kind of a grey brown. Like a rainy or misty/foggy day in the mountains. To see it you would think cold, but it wasn't really cold at all. Maybe Autumn. It felt good to be in the 2nd house. I could see the potential in it. It felt new. That's about all I can remember. Last night I had a dream about a house/bldg as well but I don't really remember that one.

So my newest goal is to find a different or counter word for failure. Wish me luck.

Dream

Two nights ago I dreamed...

My dad, my brother and I were driving looking for something. The road was long and had a bunch of buildings on it. It was dark. Everything was closed. We turned down an alley and on the backside of these buildings was a hidden town. A gun store, feed store, grocery store, and they all seemed closed too. We saw some cars parked out there and from one of the seemingly deserted buildings we saw some lights flashing and heard muffled music. We decided to go in and see if somebody could direct us to what we were looking for.

Inside was a party of sorts. At first it seemed normal, lights, music, dancing. Then it wasn't. I mean it was still all that but more. There was another door leading out the back that turned into a house and many deviant things were going on in various places of this house. Some were drugs, using and selling, some were sexual, all kinds of acts were being performed in this space. My brother disappeared. And a guy introduced himself to help show us around. In one room it was like a movie theater. Showing sex acts and murder and whatever on the big screen. We wandered through room to room. At some point my dad disappeared as well. I talked to some of the patrons while waiting for my dad and brother to show back up so we could leave.

I had walked outside at some point and there were people on the lawn doing all kinds of things. I also noticed an unmarked car sitting to the side with someone inside. He saw I wasn't a part of this crowd and got out of his car and told me I needed to get out of there because the place was being watched by the police. I told him I couldn't leave yet, I had people inside. He said to hurry, this night was not going to end well.

I went back inside and there was my dad. I tried to get him to leave but he started making inappropriate sexual advances towards me. It was like he had been possessed by something. When I tried to talk to him to tell him to stop and let's go, he said he was never leaving this place. So while I'm still looking for a way out, he is following me and trying to get me to do things. I decided to leave on foot if that's the only way and start heading toward the door. As I'm going he grabs my arm and tries to get me to stay. He says I need to be here. Nobody leaves. Ever. I'm pulling against him and my mom is there.

When I pull harder he knocks me to the ground and has a drill with a long bit and starts drilling through my shoulder to get me to stay. My mom pulls out a chainsaw and slices through his arm. I stand up and he's clearly in pain. The chainsaw didn't cut off his arm but sawed through in it some kind of weird way so that it's still attached the way it's supposed to be only pieces are hanging from it. My mom grabs me and we run outside to see a swat team approaching the house.

I stand frozen in the yard holding my mom's hand with blood pouring from my shoulder. I'm just not sure what to do. The swat team passes by us like they can't even see us and enters the house. From there I heard a lot of yelling and screaming and shooting. It seems the guy from the car approached us, but I'm not sure because I woke up then.

What I remember is dark and blood, lots of blood. Underworld. Hidden. Secret. Seeing what's there but feeling like there was something more I wasn't seeing. Something more going on with me right in the midst and I can't tell what it is. Private. Not full on horror but trepidation about the whole night. Nothing seemed exactly as the way it looked.

Okay! Thoughts, comments, any dream gurus out there?

What AM I doing?

I decided this year I was going to blog. Not really sure why. I have lots of thoughts and putting them down helps me, and I like to write but hardly ever do. So I thought, well I'm on the computer enough, maybe I should blog. So here I am.

I have never done this before and it will probably take me a minute to figure this out, but here I go.

I'll start with saying this year is going to be so much better for me and my wife. I've decided to take matters into my own hands with, well, with many things, but to name a few are career, weight, and finances. And what I mean by taking matters into my own hands is to stop sitting around talking about one day when I'm...in shape/have X amount of money/whatever, I'm going to do...blah blah blah. And start putting some action into what I want.

Now, I get all gung-ho and I'm ready to tackle the world and as I'm running toward my goal, oh look a shiny disco ball! How pretty! And then somehow I'm back to talking about what I want and 3 months have passed.

So, I guess goal number 1 would be to stay focused. lol Well I guess this is a start so I'll stop here. But I'll be back! Thanks to Arnold for never letting me say that without thinking of his accent.

Bye.

P.S. After having my wife proof read this she laughed and said, "It was so self-conscious!" So, there ya go. Don't be fooled though, she really does support me.