A weird thought occurred to me the other day. I was thinking about this new body path and what all I had to do to achieve it. And then I started thinking about what I was going to look like, you know, trying to picture it. And then, kind of like a slam up side the head, I wondered about my "place" for lack of a better word in my communities. Often I am looked at and called things like Papa Bear and Daddy, references to big, strong, protective, whatever. And I wondered how those same people, or anybody really, would view me when I'm not fat anymore. How will I fit into the communities that I belong to now when I no longer look the way I do now.
Then I had more thoughts. LOL How did my body and size become so ingrained with who I am? Like it defines me or something. I have never thought about my size like that before and I realized, I am letting go of something that is comfortable to me. And the unsurety of where I will fit in later and the possible loss of how I fit in now brought about a sadness. A sadness that's kind of hard to explain really, but I think it was more for the loss. Which is funny because I'm making myself better, more fit, showing more discipline. Right?
And in that moment of wondering why this brought on a sadness, I felt...something. I felt, what, what did I feel...hungry. And maybe it was drink:30. It's 5 o'clock somewhere right. It was automatic. I didn't even see it coming. My big body just started moving towards the kitchen as if I was merely hungry. And I'm not even sure that hungry is a feeling word. But I sure thought I was hungry. So there I stood looking around the kitchen getting more and more frustrated because there was just nothing to eat damnit! You know, nothing like Doritos.
It took a few days for me to realize what had happened. I'm still not sure I've got it fully figured out, and I don't know if I'll spot it when it happens again, but I think it went something like this: I'm doing really good with my workouts. I'm going to look so fine! Everybody will want me! Happiness. Excited. Oh, but wait, I wonder how I can still be Daddy when I'm not fat. How will that work? Let me see, who do I know that is fit and still a Daddy. There's that one, but I think that's it. All the other ones I know are kinda big. Ok. But, I still want to get to looking fine because I'm tired of looking like this and always feeling like I can't wear what I want. I wonder if people will still address me the same way though, even though I'm not big anymore. Sadness. Confused. Unsure. HUNGRY and I want a drink. Off to the kitchen and...SABOTAGE!
I had just single handedly set out to ruin what I am trying to accomplish. I talked myself away from feeling good about what I have done so far and where I am going to feeling bad about something that hasn't even happened yet. And then to make matters worse I did the very thing that got me to this point in the first place. AHhhhh, comfort. I know this. This is normal. This...is cozy.
So not only am I turning my world upside down. Now I have to redefine "normal". And I have to relearn how to deal with feelings without sabotaging myself in the process. I think I know how to do it. I used to do it. I think. And by the way, when did food and drink become the soother of feelings anyway?! When did this happen? It had to be after I left home because I wasn't doing it there. I did read a lot there, but really, when? I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be self destructive. I don't want to take every good thing about me or my life and ruin it just because I have lost my way somewhere. Somewhere that I can't even freaking remember!
I don't want to be that person, and yet, here I sit. Wow! I just got hit by so many emotions that I am now crying. Unfortunately I can't tell you what a single one of them are. I just feel like crying right now. I am not a cry-er. I am not that person. Wait, I think I got something...disappointment. It should be read more like dis! a! point! ment! And failure. I have let myself and everybody else down.
I don't know how to get through this. I don't know what to do.
Guess I'll start by getting up tomorrow. And meeting with my trainer. Maybe that is where I should start.
my opinion....Daddy is an attitude. i highly doubt you are gonna lose that attitude.
ReplyDeletewe all try and sabatoge ourselves. all about the comfort zone. your outside of yours. the only way you can let yourself and everybody else down is if you truely give up on yourself. another thing i highly doubt.
I agree sweet Lee! "Daddy" is an attitude. Since you were a kid, you always had "presence". That is who you are. Don't let yourself fall into that comfort zone of being defined by what you think that people think you should be...define for yourself who you want to me. At the end of everyday, all that really matters is that you can close your own eyes and be content with what you have done during those hours. Even when we are surrounded by people who love us and need us, we first have to love ourselves and be happy with who we are....took me all of our 44 years to figure that one out! Silly huh? Seems like I should of figured that one out at like 22!! I am very proud you for being so brave to share your feelings. Oh yeah and never be afraid to cry!! It's good for you. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteFirst, you will always be Big Daddy! It's not your physical size but your strength that gives you that name! Second, I am so proud of you! Stop and read what you wrote again...read it like someone else wrote it and you will see that .. YOU GOT IT! What a great big step in the right direction, keep up the great work!
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