Today when my poor wife was like, "what is wrong with you?", I had a realization. And said, out loud, I think this is a version of self sabotage. What do you think? And just as soon as I had asked wife that question, it struck me like a ton of bricks. Like literally that light thing going off. I felt like I had one, just one, but one of the answers. I am preventing myself from success by doubts, fears, and that nagging feeling that I am just not. good. enough. Will I ever be?
I still feel a little blah, but at the same time I feel a bit more determined. Now, more questions of course, how to stop this defeatism? How do I recognize it when it begins so I don't have to wallow and feel like total shit for a few days at a time? And something else I didn't realize - good lord is it hard to overcome the negativity that takes root and tells you what a shitty person you are, and that you will never amount to anything! You will always be broke, always on a dead end! Your wife will die thinking she could have done much much better for herself!
Okay, so I guess you get the picture now. lol
So I thought if I did some of those seemingly silly little tricks that shrinks like to tell you to do it might help. I am powerful! I am strong! I can make the necessary changes to make my life better! I am worth every ounce of effort that I put into me and my future. I can have the better job and feel and look good physically!
I AM WORTH ALL OF IT! I DESERVE IT!
There. We'll see if that helps.
Funny thing, I had a dream the other night. I had two houses. Nothing special or grand. One I lived in. It was cluttered and run down. It needed a lot of repair but I loved the house and it suited my needs for the time being. I wanted something better and up to date, but this would do. My wife was in the dream and someone else who was very close, like family close. She was black and prominent in my dream. Don't know who she is in real life.
The other house was not far from the one I lived in. It was empty. I had wondered why the kids, or somebody, was not living there. The three of us went over to look through it. I thought it should be getting some use. I wish I could just draw it out for you to see but I'll do my best to describe it.
When you walked in there was a kitchen off to the right. From the door it opened into a big cozy living room with a fireplace and big screen tv, big bookshelves. I had forgotten how much I liked this house. The door opposite the one we entered on the left of the living room led down a hall and into the main bedroom, passing a couple more rooms and bathroom. The main bedroom was also big. Kind of bare and I was thinking about all that could be done with this place and that it was a shame that it was just sitting here not being used. On the other side of the bedroom was another door and when you looked you could see down another hall and through the living room all the way to the kitchen.
It felt good standing there. I said aloud but like I was talking to myself, I said, "I can see myself living here." And nodded my head yes while saying this.
End of dream. Other notes, outside was kind of a grey brown. Like a rainy or misty/foggy day in the mountains. To see it you would think cold, but it wasn't really cold at all. Maybe Autumn. It felt good to be in the 2nd house. I could see the potential in it. It felt new. That's about all I can remember. Last night I had a dream about a house/bldg as well but I don't really remember that one.
So my newest goal is to find a different or counter word for failure. Wish me luck.
My ever resourceful cousin once again found some information, this time on the subject of houses in dreams:
ReplyDeleteTo see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking. To dream that your house is damaged, indicates your waking concerns about the condition of your house.
To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life.
I think the above really applies to me right now. Especially entering new phases.
Again, I am amazed at the detail you can remember your dreams...just amazing. This dream seems more complicated. The first part about feeling inadequate and stuff can go back to childhood experiences or someone that you viewed as an authority figure telling you that you would achieve your goal. It is like a self-defeating prophecy that someone sets up for themselves. When things are going great, sometimes we sabotage ourselves because something inside tells us we don't deserve it. Obviously I have known you since birth so unless you have changed 180 % you might still be slightly impatient! My suggestion would be to continue on the path you have set up for yourself but instead of looking for those long term goals, break it down into smaller more achieveable goals so that you don't end up cycling through these bad feelings. I MIGHT have that same genetic trigger for being impatient (note I didn't say I have it, I just MIGHT have it), I have learned that I do much better when I focus on the smaller steps and then before you know it you have made it to the top of that hill.
ReplyDeleteI sent you the information on an IM about houses in dreams. If you want to post any of that please feel free. I think that the new house information is on target with you. You have goals, you have dreams, you can see yourself achieving these goals and you are ready to start a new chapter. Good luck!! Love you!!
Yeah. Just a tad impatient. lol
ReplyDelete