Tue 9 Mar 10

Today was a good day. When I was walking through the house, princess was behind me and said...wait for it..."you look smaller"!!! That is the first time she has noticed and commented on there being a difference in me. So, YAY! And that totally made up for her not buying bacon at the store today.

At the gym trainer 1 said my goal for you is to lift the heavy bar. I usually only hear about half of what is being said when in a crowd, so I said, oh do you want me to lift it now? And then I realized she had said it was a goal for me about the same time she said, yes, lift it. Okay so now I gotta lift it because everybody is looking at me. LOL Well I did lift it and when she had counted to ten she made another comment that, amazingly enough, I heard perfectly clear, and that was, "I know what you'll be doing tomorrow." I had an "oh shit" moment. But I'm sure everything will be fine tomorrow, right? Right?!

It was a beautiful sunny day and I got to spend some time in it. I went out in the yard and looked at our flowers that are starting to come up. Very nice! It felt so good to have the sun, not snow, on my skin for a change.

It hit me today that it seems I've really been reconnecting with my bios lately. And it's been okay. No, not just okay, it's been good. I think I might start going to more family functions and/or holiday stuff. I mean since we seem to be getting along so good and all. A piece of me is kinda waiting for the other shoe, but I am hopeful that times they are a changin'! Anyway for now I am loving the reconnect. I've really missed them!

I got some great advice from an aunt. She told me to not depend on anyone else to make me healthy among other things. Now, princess will be elated to hear this. And I do mean elated! Her main complaint is that I go to her for food. She wants me to be more involved in feeding myself. I however am quite content to continue to allow her to feed me! :D But I do see the point. Aunt also said she wanted to talk to me more often and, the best part, she told me a story about my other aunt, her sister! Apparently aunt 2 rode with aunt 1, and some others, and talked the entire 8 hour trip to Florida! haha Sounds just like her.

So like I said it's been a really good day. I feel very thankful today. Now let's see how thankful I feel tomorrow after the torture session with trainer 1.

Mon 8 Mar 10

This last weekend we went to Atlanta for a funeral and ended up having a really good time. I know that doesn't sound like something I should say but let me explain. Princess' oldest friend's mother died and she asked us if we would come to the funeral. The friend asked, not the dead mother. Of course we said yes. I got somebody to cover for me and I took off work. We got a hotel room through Priceline, so no refunds. We got out our "church" clothes, scraped up some cash and off we went. Before we left princess had sent her oldest friend a message saying we were on our way.

Now we really have been needing some time away just the two of us, and thought after the funeral we'll do, whatever, and spend some great time together relaxing. About an hour into the drive, maybe not even that long, oldest friend calls my phone because princess didn't answer hers. The first thing I hear is, "You're not headed this way are you?" I was a bit confused and blubbered, what? Oldest friend said if you are on your way here you need to turn around and go home! At this point I handed the phone to princess and waited. Come to find out, princess had the date wrong. Yeah! Funeral. Next Friday!

I had a good laugh at the thought of us showing up at the funeral home and saying, where is everybody? She really is late to her own funeral. You know, things like that. Wandering around room to room. Crashing any 'ol funeral that was available. So, here we are on the way, can't change anything because it's all been paid for, and having the reason why we were coming in the first place no longer the reason why we were still going. lol

Anyway, what I did get was...lots of good sleep. I felt more rested than I have in a long time. It really drove home how much better about going to bed I need to be, especially with the increased activity. I got to see my family. I was going to just have lunch with mom and then it turned out that she was supposed to be at my aunt's house with a whole bunch of my cousins and a few more aunts. So I got to see all them and had a great time. We got to do some shopping at the outlet mall and IKEA, princess' favorite. And best of all we got to spend some good time together! We even had one of those great heart to heart couple talks on the ride home. You know the kind that don't end in an argument and turns out to be really productive. I was happy about that.

And to start Monday off with a bang I had a crazy dream with 3 of my cousins in it. Yes the same three I saw on Saturday. I procrastinated a bit today but I did finally get on the treadmill and do the 30 mins I was supposed to do. I hope my trainers are proud. I will be going to the gym 3 times this week instead of 2, so we'll see how that goes. Princess is planning our meals out for the week. And, and, and it should be warm and spring-like all week. I am expecting this to be a great week.

2 March 10 Tue

Well, it's snowing a-freakin-gen! I know this is nothing compared to a whole bunch of people in the world, but I live in the south people! I was born in the south. I have lived my whole life in the south. I don't do snow every other day. My body is not ready for it. I'm not made for it. The first few times it's all cool and stuff but now, NO! It's pretty when it's falling but then I think I gotta go to work and actually be in this stuff, and, and, and it won't just disappear. It hangs around, for what seems like forever. It's the first of March in the south and it's snowing. That pretty much sums up my day. I will lean on the positive though. I refuse to be negative even though that's how I feel about this.

Positives: The snow won't last forever. It's supposed to be bright and shiny this weekend, and warmer. At least it's snowing on a work day. I am making changes. One great thing is I just looked at my calendar and realized I have a hair appointment this Friday, but I'm going to be in Atlanta this Friday. So I get to call ahead of time to change it and all this means my beautiful hair-doer (my word) won't kill me. :D

One funny thing that happened this weekend was I was talking and wanted to say monopolized, but instead said, are ya ready...monopulated! What a goob. haha Princess was in the back seat. She just leaned up, put her hands on my shoulders, and said, "Oh baby!", and then laughed her butt off. It was pretty funny! Okay, it's time to get ready for work now.

1 Mar 10 Mon

I had such a great weekend! I got to go home to Atlanta and as always it was wonderful. I got to hang out with some good friends. It was only for one night but much needed in this household! Princess and I got to spend some much needed time together, no school, no bills, just us. Very nice! We decided to remember that it is very important to take time out for us no matter what is going on. It was a good smack in the face.

After this weekend today is a somewhat lazy day. We have to unpack and do some things but trying to be lazy, still kinda tired from the whirlwind weekend. I wouldn't change a thing though. But it's time to get back to the real world. Time to start working out and going to work again. I'm ready though. I feel really good about the changes I've made due to working out. I had a couple of friends comment on it this weekend and that was a boost.

Talking about working out; My body has gone though, is going through so many changes. It's kinda crazy. I hurt in so many weird places, and feel good at the same time. But I am seeing changes! We had to do some walking while in Atlanta and I was worried about it, but I was barely breathing hard and I kept up with the others. I was surprised and impressed at the same time. This is working! This is working for me! Princess even saw that I had kept up and not breathing as hard as I used to. It was a great moment!

The pain, the weird muscle tics are all worth it. I just wanna do more now. I wanna get to my goal quickly. And I would be perfect and well on my way, if, if it wasn't for food. God! Food is gonna kill me I swear. I love food, I love good food. I want to eat whatever I want to eat, and I want to eat good! But I am not losing weight because of food. I am losing fat percentage, a very good thing, but I am not losing weight and that needs to go as well. So I have to make changes concerning food and that seems to be the hardest thing for me. I have lost 8% of fat in my core alone and yet, no weight loss. Damnit! I want my food!

Oh! Gods help me! I will make this work. I will do what I need to food wise. I will lose physical weight not just fat percentage. I will! Okay so there ya go. That's where I'm at for this week. Tomorrow work out day.

Who Knew?!

Okay, I am the first one to be sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser and think, what the hell is wrong with them? Why are they crying and carrying on like that? On freaking tv?! Weeeeellllllllll....

Who knew? Who freaking knew that deciding to change my body would be so emotional! All I wanted to do was lose weight and look good. Now this, this crazy, this...uuuhhhhhhhg. My trainer got me on the treadmill and very shortly after that I was breathing hard. To quickly I was breathing hard. Also I didn't want to let go of the sides. Trainer wanted me to but when I did I felt wobbly and like I was gonna go flying off the back into the nearest wall. And when I explained this to trainer, who is like half my size, she sweetly says, I'll catch you. I'll catch you! HA! Yeah, she'll catch me! I could see the headlines now...trainer crushed under weight of flying trainee! Of course I wasn't going flying but, anyway, point is I kept grabbing the sides to keep myself towards the front of the treadmill. Then I realized two things, I was afraid and embarassed. And then, the dreaded, feeling like crying. Then the embarassment got worse because I was like, there is no way in hell I am crying in this gym in front of these people!

So I pulled myself together and finished the workout, which went fine, but got me to thinking. I am afraid to be hot and sweat. I don't want my heart to race. The only thing I can relate that back to is when I first started having high blood pressure problems I would get really hot, sweat and my heart would race. I didn't know what it was at the time and it was scary. I went to the doctor, found out it was high blood pressure and I got medication. But basically I stopped doing anything that mimicked that icky feeling. If I did anything that made me breathe hard I would stop. That was a few years ago and now it has manifested to I just can't do it. On top of everything I just said, a few years ago my mother had a stroke and then I became really fearful of anything that sped up my heart because I didn't want to have a stroke either. And my mother was constantly asking me to get my heart checked. Didn't help.

So I hope everybody is catching the irony here. Yep, that's it. Stopping moving was pretty much guaranteeing that if I was gonna have a stroke this would speed up the process. I gained more weight. It also became harder to do vacations with princess. It became hard to do most anything. I can't tell you when the last time I mowed the grass was. Princess does it or I have my son do it. I even stopped, as much as I could, carrying things to and from the basement. My back started hurting. My knees started hurting. Ugh, see, right there, that one, that's me. The one madly spinning toward the drain hole. The end result is I breathe hard when doing things, even light things.

And that is all the physical. Mentally, emotionally, whatever, my self esteem dropped. I didn't want to do anything because people would have to see me. If I did go anywhere I always worried about not having clothes that fit, or that I thought I looked good in. I was always talking bad about myself in my head, telling myself that is what the other people were thinking. Can we say projecting? lol Hey! I just realized I'm talking about this in past tense! Hmmmm I didn't think this stuff was in the past. I thought I was still dealing with it, but I'll run with it. :D

So, positives for the day, after almost crying at the gym, uh, how horrifying! Positives: I walked 15 mins on the treadmill without falling off and only partially hanging on. I realized some fears and embarrassment that I had. faced it and pushed through it. I realized that I was talking about some negatives about myself in past tense. And I benched 145 lbs.!

All in all, even with the near tears, it was a great day at the gym! I am a Muscle Machine baby! Yeah! (okay, I know, over the top...again) 8{D

Losing It

Okay, so I've really been losing it lately. Really. I've been losing it on lots of things. Let's see now...ever since my bad no-coke migraine, I've been upping my intake of it again. Yay, no headaches. But, you say, can't that stuff clean your car battery? Yeah, I know. So I'm going to have to back off it again. I've already warned princess what was coming.

Let's see, what else? hmmmm Other drivers! OMG, if you can't actually move your car forward, can you at least pull over to the side of the road so the rest of us can continue to our destination? You know, if only you would utilize that little lever on the left of your steering wheel then everybody can know what you're doing. It takes the guess work out of it for us. Not everybody likes surprises. There really isn't a true need to stop 3 car lengths away from the other car at that light! If you would pull up one more second of a length I could turn right! And please for the love of god DO NOT get in the fastest lane possible and drive under the speed limit!!!

Sigh!

There's more. Snow! I've had fun. Lots of it actually, but really, you need to stop now. I'm good if 'ol Mr. Weather does not want to snow anymore this season. Not only is it affecting me and princess but our animals as well. The dogs have decided that no really, it is okay for them to potty inside. Outside is just too cold. And the cats! Well the cats have just lost their damn minds. Every night has been like an elf snuck in and threw cat nip all over the house right before we get home from work. So that while sitting on the couch, all of a sudden you could have two cats flying over your shoulder and inadvertently using you as a springboard.

And then there's...yes I'm going to say it, Re-pub-li-cans! There have been many political discussions going on in my house lately and every one of them have ended up with me shaking my head, waving my hands wildly in the air, and almost screaming, I just don't understand! What the hell is wrong with them! Now I'm not talking about normal, thinking repubs, if there are any. I mean, there are some, right? I'm talking about the nonsensical, no basis for their statements, redirecting any question asked of them, down right making shit up Republicans. Yeah, those guys. You know who I'm talking about. They are everywhere of late. And frankly I've heard some of the most humorous-in-their-idiocy quotes lately. Comedy Central will not want for material as long as this keeps up, and it seems it will keep up as long as Obama is in office.

Now please understand, I have always been one to look at every statement, every candidate, every forum on its own terms. I've always tried to be very bi-partisan in my thinking towards politics. I don't think you should vote for somebody just because that person is Dem or Rep. I think you should vote your conscious. Having just said that...pause lol...WHAT THE HELL!!!

Here I feel like I should say more but I just don't know what to say. I know not all Republicans think the way of the ones that are the most vocal, but they are really just saying some crazy shit. DADT, gay marriage, global warming, and Palin for 2012. What?! I actually heard some lady (don't know her name) argue with Ron Regan Jr. and in a fit of anger tell him that he did not know or have ever even met Ronald Regan...um, his dad. This is the kind of craziness I'm talking about. Ridiculous.

And then there is this project that princess has to do for school. Oh. My. God! Before I go off the deep end let me say, she is having problems with figuring out how to do what she has to do. I know she has been trying really hard. I know she has not put it off or anything like that. But knowing this does not change my good lord could you finish this already attitude. I am so frustrated about this project and it's not even mine. How crazy is that? lol I really wish I could give her the magic answer but, sigh, I will just keep waiting for this to end.

I will get myself together. I mean the Olympics are starting and I love the Olympics! That will give me a break.

February 1, 2010

So now it's February 1st. First day of the new month, the second month of the year, the year of changes. I actually feel pretty good. I started looking at January's posts and thinking about what I had done to change this last month. I have made changes. Not great earth shattering changes. Small hardly noticeable changes. BUT, they have made a difference in me.

I have gone to every single one of my workout appointments. May not seem like much but it is when you are used to making excuses for why you just can not make it. It also may not be much to an observer but to me I've noticed just how much it has changed how I look at my day and myself. Again small changes that I did not notice at first. I am more aware of food and that I need to eat more than once a day. We are fixing more food at the house and I am more conscious of the fact that something needs to get made so I don't have to stop somewhere to eat.

I am more aware of sleep and how I need more than 4 hours of it. And because of that I am more aware of when I go to bed. Also I am sleeping harder than before.

I am getting more done around the house. Now I know if I can do what I do in the gym then I can carry boxes up and down the stairs. It's a slow process but the house is getting better because of doing more.

I get out of the house and run more errands. I get stuff when I need it instead of procrastinating. I plan my days more than I was.

Now I can hear and I know a lot of that stuff sounds stupid, ridiculous really. But it's not really stupid when you stop to think that maybe the reason I didn't go to the store in the first place is because you think everybody in there is talking about the whale that just walked through the door and, boy aren't I glad I got my groceries before he got here.

It completely amazes me of the low self esteem thoughts that were/are running rampant unchecked through my head for all this time! I think about it now. I hear those thoughts when they happen. I seek them out, hunt them down for the sole purpose of destroying them! Murdering them where they stand! I have become a vicious solider valiantly defending my kingdom! I will let no intruder in! See me! Sword in hand!

Ok, so that was a bit much, but fun. LOL Anyway point is, I've made changes, and while they are not readily apparent to others they are greatly apparent to me. I have decided to sign up for more classes with my trainer and to continue my path. It's money well spent so far!